blog from hell

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

2010-04-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

Currently playing at the Mystery Island Movies!

I remember Billy the Kid vs. Dracula from childhood, but I had never seen Jesse James Meets Frankentein's Daughter. What a great movie! About 1 trillion times better than Avatar.

Highly recommended.

--BMH

Holy 13

2009-11-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

for Frigga

Endorsed by the Roman Catholic church, until inconvenient to do so, they wore white tunics bearing red crosses into battle, Christian soldiers marching onto war, but secretly knew where Jesus slept.

They managed their money wisely, powerfully, and well enough to have the government take it all away. Even the stupid King [Phillip] owed the Templars cash, certainly bad luck for them, should have broken his legs first or won that goddamned Holy War, but can your heart truly be divine for the killing when you know the motivations are lies, lies, lies?

Maybe.

I mean, the Crusades are still in action, right? Killing Arabs is so vogue, always has been. Christianity forcing the crucifix of horror against all other faiths as if the non-Christians were the vampires and not they. But hell, the Muslims have their own lies to worry about.

More importantly, the Templars knew we had abandoned Thor, and therefore, we were vulnerable and deserving of whatever undead horrors lay ahead. What could be done? Bend your knees for the bearded demon on the astrological cross?

Secretly they prayed to Baphomet for wisdom as the perverted King touched the knee of the perverted Pope. “Kill them,” they whispered into each other’s mouths. “Our pawns have failed us. Let’s take it all. Strip them naked. Tie them to spits and roast them alive over public fires. They will confess. Dirty. Heretic. Homosexuality. Heathenism. Everything we really stand for. Yes, we’ll fuck them good and tight.”

But didn’t they deserve it – for working for Evil in the first place? Didn’t they deserve it for turning their backs on Odin and spilling Scandinavian blood for King and country, religion, land, money, power, and secrets …

Yes, they knew where Jesus slept, and on the 13th Friday of October 1307 King Phillip ordered the arrest of all Templar Knights and the exquisite torturing began.

Unlucky, sure. Is this then where the dread of Friday the 13th comes from? Should we feel empathy for the fallen Order of "poor" Knights?

Maybe … not.

The real crime, the real rub of bad luck was born of spiritual slavery. When Norse and Germanic tribes “converted” (as in governmentally-forced) to Christianity, out of guilt and shame, Frigga, the goddess of love and fertility, Queen of the Heavens, was banished to a mountaintop and labeled a witch, as she could never double-cross her own pantheon, could never accept the liar’s cross.

She collected around herself a coven of eleven girls and one devil, to form a Witch’s Sabbath in order to lovingly combat the ills of Christianity on every Friday. Therefore, F-13 was chosen, symbolically to slay the Knights, but it’s not Frigga’s fault the Christians keep stealing themes; it’s what they do.

So don’t worry yourself about ladders or black cats, and definitely don’t cry for the ghost Templars -- or long dead Christians fed to lions, for that matter. It’s Frigga and her witches you’ve got to lose sleep about, because they’re coming back, and the good Goddess has had a lot of time to get pissed off.

The cauldron on Mystery Island is bubbling, the Satan is rising … the girls are gathering, and Frigga, we call your name.

Bradley Mason Hamlin
Friday the 13th, 2009

Help us, Ant-Man!

2009-10-15T11:02:00.001-07:00

Sacramento has way too many ants. Perhaps our pal Peta Girl has an ethical solution to this problem, but sometimes it feels like us or them. The lil' guys sure do love Kellogg's Pop Tarts.

Meanwhile, I will appeal to the expert and send this open call for help to the one and only Dr. Henry Pym, also known as, the Astonishing Ant-Man.

For those of you who don't know who Ant-Man is and need an intro or for those of you who do and want to read more about him, (and other "small/shrinking" heroes) please click the comic book above to read "Attack of the Ant-Man" by Bradley Mason Hamlin, published a while back by our pals at Retrocrush.

Maureen McCormick: Here's the Story

2009-09-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Maureen McCormick
Here’s the Story
reviewed by
Bradley Mason Hamlin
September 23, 2009

Pop culture books are obviously targeted at very specific demographics, and this new autobiography from Maureen McCormick definitely has an audience.

Whether Maureen likes it or not, or whether she can ultimately every really accept it, Marcia Brady was someone whom many of us grew up with, or certainly felt like we did, and there will be--most likely at least until the kids of the 70s die off--a continued fascination with all things "Marcia."

So, finally, we get an inside look at what it was like within the world of Maureen, and therefore, Marcia. You see, that’s truly her horror story: one cannot exist without the other, but hey, many people certainly have far worse curses to live with.

The fun thing about this book is that Maureen really doesn’t hold back. She knew people wanted the dirt and she let it fly, and really, that must have been hugely cathartic for this woman.

Although, I have to say, one of the most appealing things about Here’s the Story is the setting. Having grown up in Los Angeles in the 60s and 70s—it gave me an extra aspect of nostalgia reading about her Southern California life during that time.

But to cut to the chase, if you want to hear about cocaine parties with Harold Robbins and Sammy Davis, Jr.—it’s in there—including all the good “Brady” gossip.

I really enjoyed this book. I honestly did, a nice and easy read with a page-turner quality of wanting to know what crazy thing Maureen did next.

So, thanks, McCormick, you’re still adding a “sunshine day” to Mystery Island.

BrAiNs #1

2009-09-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

I just read a groovy and gruesome new comic from the local Sacramento, California creative team of PAUL ALLEN and ANTHONY LEANO … BrAiNs!

BRAINS is all about the day-to-day (and night) life of the people (and things) living in Creepsville.

Herein you have a mad potion of sex & violence played out mostly by the undead residents of the community.

This book is funny, well-written, and full of beautifully drawn comic sluts, fish heads, zombies, eyeballs, juvenile delinquents, and of course brains, lots o’ brains.

For information, visit their website:

BRAINS COMIC

And/or stop by one the local comic book shows, such as the Sacramento Horror & Sci-Fi Convention:

SEPTEMBER 25 - 27, 2009
at Sacramento's
SCOTTISH RITE CENTER
(6151 H Street - Near CSUS)

MOTHRA (1961)

2009-09-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the persistence of the Mystery Island Tribal Council:

MOTHRA has finally been released on DVD in the TOHO COLLECTION!

This is the second time Toho Productions has listened to the Island, the first being when they gave Matango: Attack of the Murshoom People back to the world.

Now, not only is the original Mothra (1961) in DVD release, (both American and Japanese versions on one disc) but you also get two other Toho classics:

The H-Man and Battle in Outer Space.

A must have collection. Witness the birth of Mothra and listen to the Peanuts sing the epic (original) "Mothra Song" for the first time!

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

2009-07-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

Plan 9 From Outer Space is our Sunday matinee feature on Mystery Island, created by the ultra-creative Edward D. Wood, Jr. for a small but uniquely privileged audience of 1959. Plan 9 may have only found a very limited release and still exists under the idiotic cliché of “worst movie ever made” but it’s actually an entertaining, funny movie with not only a whole lot of charm, but legitimate historical value in being a feature film role for TV’s Vampira [Maila Numri], as well as [and most importantly] Bella Lugosi’s final film.

Plan 9 From Outer Space is a movie made without any pretension whatsoever, and that, in any era, is mighty refreshing to see.

Thanks, Ed!

For our article on Vampira, please see: VAMPIRA!

Posted by Mystery Island
http://mysteryisland.net

Farrah's an Angel

2009-06-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

Farrah Fawcett (2.2.47 -- 6.25.09)

No other celebrity defined the wild and wonderful decade of the 1970s more succinctly than Farrah Fawcett.

In 1976 every girl wanted to be her (or at least have her hair) and every guy wanted to be with her (or at least have cool feathery hair that a girl like Farrah could admire).

Her hair was so popular, that a girl in my brother’s junior high school actually had acid thrown in her face—just because her hair looked too much like Farrah’s and a female gang member was jealous. Crazy, but true.

Farrah was one of the rare ones that created controversy just as easy as making hearts beat. Think of what Charlie’s Angels would have been like without her to kick-off the series, and how it was after she left. Viewers continued to watch, almost like a reality TV show——just to see if lightning could strike twice. Who would be the next girl of our disco-era dreams?

But truly, her defining moment presented itself in the form of the classic 70’s pinup poster, the poster of all posters, and still hand’s down—the ultimate pop culture poster of all time—owned by Alcoholman and many other young men (and ladies, no doubt).

Here's a clip of Farrah's appearance on The Partridge Family:

Okay.

Rest in peace, angel.

Alcoholman
June 25, 2009

Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965)

2009-06-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Currently playing on Mystery Island.

Hangin' with the Hinsche!

2009-06-06T10:32:00.001-07:00

Mystery Island Pop Culture News:

60's pop icon "Billy" of Dino, Desi, & Billy and touring Beach Boy, Billy Hinsche, hung out with the Mystery Island tribe last night, and when he wasn't busy inquiring about Hourglass--we got some great stories out of him before stopping by the local grocer to pick up Sacramento survival supplies where Billy was quite taken with the bakery section. Unfortunately those blueberry muffins were covered in sugar crystals. He settled on the carrot cake, sans frosting. Good choice, Billy.

Back at his hideout, Billy whipped out his shiny guitar and played through his practice runs on "Kitty Doyle," "Sail On Sailor," and "Kokomo" for Good Morning Sacramento.

Great guitar work on Sailor, Billy! and Kitty could not be more heartfelt.

Billy is a super sweet guy, Mr. Las Vegas for sure. We enjoyed his company very much. Thank you for time traveling with us (even without Hourglass), Mr. Hinsche. You are welcome on Mystery Island anytime.

Catch Billy's show this Sunday in Sacramento:

THE FILIPINO FIESTA (June 7, 2009)

10 AM to 5 PM

Billy takes the stage @ 12:45~

Jose Rizal Park
7320 Florin Mall Drive
Sacramento, California 95823

Cost: Free

Posted by Lucy Hell
for Mystery Island Music!

Grasshopper

2009-06-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

I suppose I shouldn’t have read the news this morning. My son graduated from preschool today and on the way it felt like I was driving to a funeral.

To say David Carradine was influential on “my” generation or an “iconic” figure of the 70s, simply won’t do. Carradine might have argued that Tarantino took a gamble on getting him back into major motion pictures, because he was a great actor, an actor Tarantino remembered, but it’s more than that. Tarantino and I are the same age. I know what he saw in Carradine.

Before the Kung Fu TV show (1972 to 1975) I had no real idea or connection to Oriental culture that wasn't driven by some cliché or stereotype. I hadn’t really thought much about China or Chinese people. David Carradine’s portrayal of Kwai Chang Caine changed all that. In essence, a TV show became more relevant, spiritually, than the local Lutheran Christian church. I actually remember having philosophical debates with my brother, fueled by his frustrations of my mind straying from the mainstream holy rollers—all because of the evocative alternative presented on a 70’s western called Kung Fu.

We almost got a chance to work with Carradine on Mystery Island in 2005 while developing the Tough Company audio compilation of Charles Bukowski poems. We had Michael Madsen signed off first and he in turn got David interested in the project, and David in turn—not only gave us permission to use his home studio in Malibu—but also recruited Ozzy Osbourne and Snoop Dogg to read Bukowski poems. How cool would that have been?

Sadly, at the last minute, Linda Bukowski pulled out, leaving us with the Tough Company book project fully authorized but no longer wanting to pursue further creative projects concerning her husband’s work. So be it.

Yet, David Carradine, despite a somewhat renewed fame with the Kill Bill franchise still sought uniquely creative projects, one of which led him to Bangkok, Thailand. Why he chose to take his life, if he did indeed do so, remains a mystery for now, but the actor, the man, and the inspirational spirit of David Carradine will always be remembered on Mystery Island.

Now, time to listen to a little Koko Taylor...

Bradley Mason Hamlin: June 4, 2009

The Horror of Party Beach (1964)

2009-05-30T12:47:00.001-07:00

CLICK CLICK CLICK for MYSTERY ISLAND'S 1st SUMMER DRIVE-IN review of the beach party season!

Posted by Alcoholman
For Mystery Island Publications

Mothra Song by The Peanuts!

2009-05-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Super Jesus Loves You!

2009-04-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

But he don't like bad evil.

"Super Jesus," a new Secret Society story coming soon to a computer near you.

Posted by Alcoholman, Easter 2009.
Mystery Island Publications.

Lucy Hell Devilgirl Comic Review No. 1

2009-04-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

See our pals @ RETROCRUSH for a kick-butt review from Robert Berry.

Posted by Alcoholman, who has had nothing but coffee to drink today.

MYSTERY ISLAND PUBLICATIONS
2009

The Many Ways to Own Lucy Hell

2009-04-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

You can own your very own Devilgirl comic book signed by Lucy Hell & Bradley Mason Hamlin by ordering the limited edition (by Paypal) directly through Mystery Island:

http://mysteryisland.net

(orders currently shipping with a bonus/free DVD from the private collection of Lucy Hell!)

Or you can bid at Ebay. username: mysteryislandpublications

Or see: http://indyplanet.com

Posted by Mystery Island Publications: World's Coolest Pop Culture Scene!

THE LEPRECHAUN CHRONICLES

2009-03-17T10:07:00.001-07:00

Over the years and under the rainbow--people have often asked me two questions: 1) Why do you always wear sunglasses? and 2) Why is your best buddy in the workplace [at a variety of different jobs] always a black person?

Well, not so surprisingly, the answer to both questions lies in a recessive gene on chromosome 16. The change in the MC1R protein causes sensitivity to ultraviolet light. Very true in my case—and you thought I wore those Ray Bans cuz they look so damn cool.

Yeah, and since the recessive gene on chromosome 16 also creates red hair, well, it’s a no-brainer why I hangout with the soul brothers at work. They too know what it’s like to be an outcast from the mainstream society of white (non-red-haired) devils.

Red-haired prejudice is very real indeed. I grew up in Los Angeles and for a good portion of that time I lived on the northeast end of L.A. in a place called Highland Park. Highland Park is where you will traditionally find the colorful and spirited groups of young lads known as: The Avenues, HLP, White Fence, Cypress Park, Los Diablos and many others. No, these are not punk rock groups …

The cholos/vatos in Highland Park well outnumber the white boys and girls (and the blacks are an even greater minority) but a white boy with red hair … well, that just seemed to trip their triggers more than anything else.

Sometimes just walking home from Burbank Junior High School was like surviving an obstacle course. They would see me on the street and yell: “Rojo!” They would throw rocks, sticks, sometimes snow-cones … or cut off my path and make me fight one of their smaller members before I could pass.

“Right now, ese! Right now! Let’s fight, fuckin rojo!”

While these spirited actions of my Mexican peers did help develop greater survival skills and a fair usage of street Spanish—I often wondered what it would be like to not be singled out …

When I was seventeen I joined the United States Navy. Now there’s a gang you can join with lots of weapons and uniforms and everything you need. However, when I got to boot camp …

“Red, motherfucker, give me 50!”

To my surprise, it was a huge black man, dogging me. I had not had much experience with the black man yet, but I was surprised that he didn’t see me as a kindred soul, a red-haired outcast from white society.

“Red, motherfucker, give me 50!”

Wasn’t long though before my best pal in boot camp was a sorry black sonofabitch named Oliver. Oliver was an outcast from his own people because he didn’t speak Black-English. They call that Ebonics now, whatever the fuck that means.

Gee, before I start crying in my coffee I better get to the positive side of this article.

“THE TRIBE OF CHROMOSOME 16”

(16 COOL PEOPLE with RED HAIR!)

16. Johnny Whitaker: Well, let’s face it, Johnny. You’re only making the list because of your association with Sigmund the Sea Monster.

15. William Shakespeare: Possibly as fictional as “Jesus Christ,” Willy is believed by many to have written some pretty good “plays.”

14. Jimmy Olsen: Superman’s Pal and one hell of a redheaded amigo. For the bestest Jimmy ever you must read the 1970’s Jack Kirby “Fourth World” Jimmy Olsen stories.

13. Alcoholman: He gets super powers when he drinks booze and Lucy Hell is his girlfriend. What’s not to love? You can visit the Intoxicated Detective at: www.myspace.com/alcoholman

12. David Caruso: He rocked two TV shows, NYPD Blue and the much better, CSI MIAMI. A solid soldier in the red-headed militia. Even Lucy Hell thinks he’s good looking.

11. Darren McGavin: A great TV & film actor—and the star of Kolchak, the Night Stalker. You can read our separate tribute to Gavin elsewhere on retrocrush.

10. Danny Bonaduce: Another redheaded brother with a bad haircut, but the star of one of my favorite TV sitcoms and pop culture bands: The Partridge Family! And hell, you gotta love all red-haired fired up the controversy Danny has created along the way…

09. Jesus Christ aka Jesus of Nazareth aka Ben Jeshua: A Roman solider gave a written report of Jesus being a redhead. Some of the most famous paintings of Jesus depict him as a red-haired man. Therefore, verily, I say unto you, red hair is divine.

08. Lucille Ball: Unlike Norma Jean aka Marilyn Monroe—who converted from red to blonde—Lucy converted from brown to red. She also was responsible for getting Star Trek on television. A+ Lucy, A+!

07. George Jetson: I always admired George’s haircut, sharp man, sharp! He was a cool daddio, too. If you’ve ever seen the Jet Screamer episode of The Jetsons you know what I mean. George wails on those drums.

06. Richie Cunningham: Richie, (no I’m not listing the bald-headed director Ron Howard but Richie himself) was in a way a modern version of Archie Andrews, the red-headed young man portrayed as the “A” typical American boy. Sure, he wasn’t the coolest guy on the show. That of course would be Matsumoto "Arnold" Takahashi, played by Pat Morita. But Richie was a cool kid in his own right. He made out with many cute chicks at Inspiration Point. Not too shabby.

05. Archie Andrews: Archie came on the scene in 1941. This was a time when America actually saw the red-headed freckled face kid as an archetype of American boyhood. All American boy, Archie Andrews, is so hep and full of pep—he’s been jockin two hot ladies—Betty & Veronica for over 60 years.

04. Gillian Anderson: Dana Scully from The X-Files. There’s a nasty rumor out there that she’s not an original redhead, but we do take coverts, therefore, you did us proud, baby. You did us proud. I’m sorry your new movie sucked. Call me.

03. Mary Jane Watson: Mary Jane, created by Stan Lee and John Romita, Sr.—came into Peter Parker’s aka Spider-Man’s life with the classic line: “Face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot!” This is the moment in the Amazing Spider-Man when you go ahead and stop wishing Steve Ditko would come back, because you know Spidey and friends could not possibly be in the hands of a better artist. Romita’s portrayal of Mary Jane is as good as it gets in terms of comic-book art—and what an awesome redhead!

02. Tina Louise aka Ginger Grant: Possibly my very first retrocrush … Tina as Ginger Grant singing, “I just wanna make love to you, poop-poop, a-doo …” Ay, carumba! Tina proved Marilyn was wrong to betray our race.

01. Ann Margaret: It just doesn’t get any hotter than Ann Margaret singing and dancing in Viva, Las Vegas! She is truly the greatest redhead of all time. She represents everything the world has always feared from the redhead, the intense fiery red heat and passion of a woman born of the same tribal line as Jesus and Johnny Whitaker.

Other notable people with red are (but not limited to):

Bozo the Clown, Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain, Howdy Doody, Vincent Van Gogh, Seth Green, Maureen O’ Hara, King Louie from Jungle Book, Thomas O’Malley from The Aristocats, Don Most aka Ralph Malph, Jessica Rabbit, Robert Redford, George Washington, Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms, Woody Woodpecker, and James Cagney …

Written by Bradley Mason Hamlin and previously published by Retrocrush: retrocrush.com

Posted by Alcoholman on St. Patrick's Day 2009
for Mystery Island Publications: Pop Culture Unlimited!

Sex Sells

2009-03-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

Clever Tila educates us with her sexy ways. Looking good, Ms. Tequila. Respect.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

Posted by Alcoholman
for Mystery Island Publications
Valentine's Day 2009

Lucy Hell, Devilgirl Comic Book!

2009-02-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

Here's a sneak peek of Mort Todd's art for the upcoming Lucy Hell, Devilgirl comic book--coming 2009!

Lucy Hell, Devilgirl No. 1

Created & Written by Bradley Mason Hamlin!
Modeled by Lucy Hell, of course!
Art by the invincible Mort Todd!

Alcoholman and Lucy Hell

2009-02-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

Alcoholman and Lucy Hell
January 31, 2009
Picture by Robert Berry.

mysteryisland.net

2009-01-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, we just wanna thank everybody for all of the time they've spent on the blog debating the most importants aspects of life: Barbie, sex, G.I. Joe, conspiracies, pop culture, sex, punk rock, and sex.

Meanwhile, if you still have time, don't forget to visit the main website:

MYSTERY ISLAND MAGAZINE @ mysteryisland.net click here for Mystery Island click here for Mystery Island Music click here for Mystery Island Publications ...

Bettie Page

2009-01-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

did you see her
in that magazine
or comic book
cover of a pulp
or a dirty little stag film
did you see her …

bondage, spanking, whips
jungle girl
but never the girl
next door
why would you want her
to be ...

wild cat
playing with leopards
or vacuuming the rug
in French maid attire
all good
but nothing without
her perfect
fuck me
smile

did you see her smile …

fishnets
50’s bikinis
garters and high heels
but did you see her killer fringe,

bangs to shoot bullets by
breasts bursting from
sexy bras
low-cut everything
and buttons unbuttoning,
naked
nude
raw she was, sometimes
with curves
real
and fine and foxy
and
did you see her …

did you see her while driving
your red hot-rod and drinking xxx
whiskey and runnin
from the cops

rockabilly roadsters
fetish queens
and tattooed whores in bitchin
blue jeans

you owe it all to her
mini-skirts and slutty lipstick
slutty, beautiful
lip
stick …

ALCOHOLMAN

Mystery Island Publications

Barbarella (1968)

2009-01-18T00:43:00.000-08:00

Jumpin' Monkeys Rules!

2008-12-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

Tommy received Jumpin' Monkeys for Christmas (duh, it's a hella fun kids game with Jumpin' Monkeys) and I am the ultimate champion. Bradley tried to make a comeback by insisting we play past the regulated four rounds; so instead of just having the most bananas, I would have to get ALL the bananas. Which, (serious back pain from sitting cross-legged on the floor for an hour later) I most certainly did!
Ha! So there:)

Earth Kitt: I Want to be Evil (1962)

2008-12-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

Eartha Kitt dies on Christmas ...

2008-12-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

Eartha Kitt, one of our favorites that made the definitive Mystery Island Christmas song list this year with the timeless "Santa Baby," died this day on Christmas 2008, due to complications with cancer.

She was 81.

Of course Miss Kitt was also well known (especially on Mystery Island) as one of the three women to play the awesome role of Catwoman on the Batman TV show. With curves, claws, and a great purring growl she played cat & mouse with Batman & Robin and scratched out her place in the Pop Culture Hall of Fame forever.

Now if only the powers at be will bring that series out on DVD so we can enjoy all of the episodes Eartha was famous for ...

But in the meantime, rest in peace, Miss Kitt, in that eternal silent night of Christmas.

EL VEZ is ALL ABOUT the LOVE!

2008-12-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Yeah, these Mexicans are really angry. El Vez is A+!

Mystery Island Merchandise

2008-12-22T14:27:00.001-08:00

Get one of those late minute gifts from the Mystery Island merchandise shop.

Currently featuring the new Alcoholman T-shirt and trucker hat + other Mystery Island and Secret Society-themed products.

Gee, they're swell. We know you'll think so too.

CLICK HERE for MYSTERY ISLAND SHOP

Christmas Songs ...

2008-12-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

What are, not only the greatest/classic Christmas songs, but the greatest versions of them?

The list so far:

"Auld Lang Syne" = The Beach Boys.
"Ave Maria" = Frank Sinatra.
"The Bells Of Christmas (Greensleeves)" = The Sinatra Family
"Baby, It's Cold Outside" = Sammy Davis, Jr. and Carmen McRae.
"Blue Christmas" = Elvis.
"The Chipmunk Song" = The Chipmunks.
"Christmas Night in Harlem" = Eartha Kitt & Louie Armstrong.
"The Christmas Song" = Bing Crosby & Frank Sintra.
"Christmasey" = Brian Wilson.
"December 1963 (Oh, What a Night)" = Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons.
"Deck the Halls" = Metal Mike.
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" = Vanessa Williams.
"Father Christmas" = The Kinks.
"Feliz Navidad" = El Vez.
"Frosty the Snowman" = Fiona Apple.
"Fuck Christmas" = Fear.
"Go Tell it on the Mountain" = Bobby Darin.
"Hava Nagila" = Dick Dale.
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" = The Archies.
"Here Comes Santa Claus" = Elvis.
"Homo Christmas" = Pansy Division.
"Horray for Santa Claus" = Sloppy Seconds.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" = The Ronettes.
"Jingle Bells" = Ella Fitzgerald.
"Joy to the World" = Brian Wilson.
"Linus & Lucy" = The Vince Guaraldi Trio.
"The Little Drummer Boy" = Johnny Cash.
"A Marshmallow World" = Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin (Live).
"Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)" = The Ramones.
"O, Holy Night" = Avril Lavigne.
"River" = Robert Downey, Jr.
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" = Ella Fitzgerald.
"Run Rudolph Run" = Chuck Berry.
"Santa Baby" = Eartha Kitt.
"Santa Claus is Back in Town = Elvis.
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" = Ella Fitzgerald.
"Silent Night" = Dick Dale.
"Sleigh Ride" = The Brian Setzer Orchestra.
"Up on the Housetop" = The Archies.
"We Three Kings of Orient Are" = The Beach Boys.
"What Child Is This?" = Vanessa Williams.
"White Christmas" = Stiff Little Fingers.
"Winter Wonderland" = Macy Gray.

Johnny Cash Christmas '77

2008-12-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

"This Train" by Carl Perkins, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Christ!

2008-12-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

Our 100th post!

During the Christmas season it’s impossible to avoid the Christian myths that surround the holiday, and I actually enjoy some of the mythical aspects attached to the genres: the Little Drummer Boy, and other Christmas songs, but it’s also a good time for a reality check as to what the Jesus angle is all about.

We started off The Sun Will Explode with an article on “Blind Faith.” I’d like to follow up that topic with a simple question: Did Jesus Christ really exist or is He the most famous of all mythological entities?

Factually, there is no solid “hard” evidence to argue that a man named Jesus Christ ever lived. All of the Gospels written about Christ were written at least 40 years after he allegedly died by crucifixion, therefore, they raise the question of why no one wrote about Christ while he lived, and why only hearsay accounts exist. Also of note is the fact that people lived shorter lives in the time of Christ [approx 30 years]. If Christ supposedly died when he was in his early 30s, and the apostles were approximately the same age as him, or even somewhat younger, that would place them in their 60s and 70s and in some cases much older, as the texts were written decades apart.

The evidence is so paper thin that it would actually make more sense for one to believe in the existence of Bigfoot, as in the case of the yeti population we have countless eyewitnesses claiming they have seen him. Yet, most people don’t believe Bigfoot exists—due to a lack of hard, scientific, evidence.

Why then do people believe in Jesus Christ so fiercely, so adamantly with Blind Faith? This is an alarming psychological condition/conditioning that should be taken more seriously by the general public.

On the upside, if any mythology carries a positive system of rules that help people lead better lives, then who’s to judge? Unfortunately we are often presented with the cold reality that so many individuals in positions of power within religious systems abuse their authority. Maybe it’s due to their own self-realization that religion is manmade and that drives them mad. If nothing else, it’s worthy of more study.

Los Straitjackets: Eddie Angel Interview

2008-10-11T15:07:00.001-07:00

LOS STRAITJACKETS: EDDIE ANGEL INTERVIEW

The second in a series by Lucy Hell.

Jason Smay interview forthcoming.

Dalai Lama Drama

2008-10-05T17:54:00.001-07:00

Daddy-O Grande interview by Lucy Hell

2008-09-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE for the DADDY-O GRANDE of LOS STRAITJACKETS interview by the lovely LUCY HELL!

Blood of the Lamb

2008-09-19T14:42:00.002-07:00

“Blood of the lamb!” the man shouted, throwing his glass of red wine, the drink smashing to shrapnel against the back wall by the rest room. I had been staring at the cubes melting inside a scotch & soda for what seemed an eternity. The angle of the ice changing, the only arc in my life at the moment, the only element of change I could perceive.

At first, the bartender, a careful old cat, gave the loud man another drink when asked.

The man took a sip, then shouted, “Blood of the lamb!”

Smash!

Then ordered one more.

The tender got brave this time and shook his head no.

The man sat still and stared down at the bar.

I ordered a house wine and slid it down to the guy cowboy style. He didn’t look. His hand shot out and lifted the glass with one smooth motion. He took a sip, letting the vino de rojo rest on his palate as if he visited a wine tasting room in Napa for the first time, trying to impress a summer girl in a short skirt.

He grinned and let the glass fly right across the pool table and into the dartboard.

I liked the sound of the smashing glass, the sharp tones cracking with more vitality than those sad cubes inside the scotch. Now, right here, something important crept up out of the coffin of the valley. “Blood of the lamb!” the man screamed, almost as an afterthought.

Guys looked up from their pool sticks and pointed and laughed as guys do when they see something break. The blood rose to the tops of the bartender’s ears. He picked up the phone to call somebody, maybe the fuzz.

I dropped some coins into the juke and picked “Spill The Wine,” by Eric Burdon & War and ordered another. The now tough old bird looked down on me. He snarled. “You trying to start somethin’?”

“Yes,” I said.

THE END

"Blood of the Lamb" by Bradley Mason Hamlin, originally published in Chiron Review 2004. Soon to be collected in The Little Man Inside the Scotch Glass & Other Stories by Bradley Mason Hamlin, forthcoming from Zygote In My Coffee.

Goober & the Ghost Chasers and Inch High Private Eye (1973)

2008-09-19T14:42:00.001-07:00

I recently had to give up my Goober & the Ghost Chasers/Inch High Private Eye lunchbox in the spirit of home improvement. Had to bribe my most awesome bamboo floor laying amigo.

The funny thing though is it got me thinking of those two goofy shows: Goober and Inch High.

I distincly remember thinking, as a nine-year-old, soon to be ten-year-old child that Hanna-Barbera was slipping ...

Yet, most of the really weird shows HB did were merely one season shows to sort of fill in empty time slots.

Inch High Private Eye, a cross between Doll Man and Get Smart ran a slight 13 episodes, but hey, I watched them and remember them fondly in that strange time machine sort of way.

Goober & the Ghost Chasers, a clear Scooby-Doo knock off from the people who created Scooby-Doo ran an impressive three seasons. Yet, it offers less in the memory banks.

I do, however, have a few Goober comics, so perhaps I'll read them and then you'll be forced to hear about those as well.

Farewell, Goober.

Farewell, Inch High.

You were remembered.

Nader and Ron Paul

2008-09-18T16:59:00.002-07:00

Captain Feathersword

2008-09-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Have role models in America changed?

Pictured above is Paul Paddick aka "Captain Feathersword" from the hit children's program: The Wiggles.

Instead of a true pirate cutlass, Captain Feathersword arms himself with the more kid-friendly feather sword.

I miss John Wayne.

The World Ain't So Bad ...

2008-09-07T23:00:00.001-07:00

when you have a "Mystery" Island drink.

Shakespeare's Shaky

2008-09-06T11:21:00.001-07:00

Along with the unknown identity of Jack the Ripper, the true identity of William Shakespeare has been a matter of debate between scholars and truth-seekers for a very long time.

Is it possible that Shakespeare was really a house name for a team of writers?

Was he Francis Bacon as some Rosecrucians claim?

What is the answer to the true origins of the world's so-called greatest writer?

TWO MOONS

2008-09-04T17:09:00.001-07:00

carving
wooden tikis
but I haven’t made
a million dollars
yet

drinking
but not as much as
the bad old days

the answer my friend
isn’t blowing
in the goddamned wind

it’s probably
lying right next to you

you’ve got to
carve your tikis true
gotta swallow the sun and
know

you
ain’t nothin new
most likely
ain’t
reinventing peanut butter
or anything else
really unique
or useful

so just
carve the damned tikis
into idols,
charms and fetishes
make em smile
make em scream make em
laugh

and
in the mean time
there’s luna two times
the round flesh of her ass
warming your
hands
like living gold

and making love
to someone you love
is the closest to Valhalla
you’ll ever get.

BRADLEY MASON HAMLIN

Dr. Goldfoot & the Girl Bombs (1966)

2008-08-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

How to Stuff a Wild Bikini/The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini

2008-08-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Hey beach gang, it’s another Mystery Island Double Feature review!

This time we conclude our reviews of the original “Beach Party 7” with the last two in the series:

How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (1965)

and The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966).

Let’s recap a bit first. The series was on a real set of heavies rollin in with Beach Party, Muscle Beach Party, and Bikini Beach, then got a little off track with Pajama Party, although Pajama is great its own way, then back on track with Beach Blanket Bingo … then way far out again with How to Stuff a Wild Bikini.

By 1965 American International Pictures was definitely trying to get the most out of its star Frankie Avalon as he stared in 5 films: Beach Blanket Bingo, I’ll Take Sweden, Ski Party, Sergeant Dead Head, and Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine. Therefore, Frankie’s role in 1965’s How to Stuff a Wild Bikini is minimal to allow time for other films. No one knew at the time that the beach party films would find a whole new generation on TV, so they pretty much put Frankie where they wanted.

In How to Stuff a Wild Bikini Frankie is off in the Navy. His primary job appears to be making out with a hula girl (Irene Tsu) on a tropical island. Ah, Navy days …

Meanwhile, back at Malibu, Annette’s lonely and good ol’ Doby Gillis/Dwayne Hickman as “Ricky” moves in on Dee Dee as the Gidget-like jealousy erupts.

Add to this a mysterious bikini (sent by witch doctor Buster Keaton) traveling from the island to Malibu and taking the form of a beautiful bikini girl spy and the beach party begins …

A cool musical note to this film involves The Kingsmen in their only movie appearance, performing “How to Stuff a Wild Bikini.”

In the next strangely and wonderfully titled bikini-themed beach party movie, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, we’ve now lost Frankie & Annette all together (they chose to do Fireball 500 instead), but Tommy Kirk and Deborah Walley step up to play the beach party/monster party scene.

As long as there’s a pool, the girls can get bikini-clad and shake their booties. This time Nancy Sinatra provides the key musical number with “Geronimo.”

The plot involves (a dead) Boris Karloff, his haunted house, an inheritance, and of course the wildly beautiful Susan Hart (What ever happened to her?) as the Ghost in the invisible bikini, who helps Boris ward off the bad guys from stealing his inheritance.

Oh yeah, and Basil Rathbone (Sherlock Holmes) plays the bad guy. There’s even a great line where Karloff makes fun of Rathbone’s “phony English accent.”

Anyway, once you get hooked on the whole Beach Party genre, all of these movies have something to offer. I love them all, some more than others, but I love them all.

Monsters, bikinis, cool 60’s pop music … all you need is a Mystery Island Mai Tai to go with that and you’ll be totally stoked.